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Enantiodromia [entries|friends|calendar]
Homicidal Poet

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[01 Feb 2008|09:56pm]
"The working class is the productive and creative class; the working class produces what material wealth exists in the country. As long as power is not in their hands, as long as the working class allows power to be in the hands of the managers, in the hands of the speculators, in the hands of the landowners, in the hands of monopolies, in the hands of foreign or national vested interests while armaments are in the hands of those in the service of the vested interests and not in their own hands, the working class will be forced to lead a miserable existence no matter how many crumbs those interest groups let fall from their banquet table."

- FIDEL CASTRO


It has been about a year since I posted anything here.  I suppose I owe you an update.

Life in this tundra is bleak and cold, white and lifeless this time of year.  So...I'm sitting at a computer for once.  I would like nothing more than to grab my bike and go bomb down a few trails, or kick a soccer ball around right now, but no.  I've had 59" of shitty midwest snow this year to rob me of my love of the outdoors.  This is not the nice, fluffy snow they get out west that's great for snowboarding.  This is crunchy, icy, and good for absolutely nothing.

On another note entirely, things are looking up in my personal life.  I quit my well-paying job that made me absolutely miserable and went back to what I used to think of as retail hell.  You see, when I was younger, I thought of my job (and my pay) as a reflection of my worth.  I was constantly trying to climb the ranks, trying to find side jobs, better positions, clamoring for more respect, more attention, higher accolades, something--anything--that might resonate and make me feel successful.  Now I see my job for what it is -- 40 hours a week (and not a minute more) of necessary evil.  Might as well make it a little fun, eh?  It's incredibly refreshing not having a job that I take home with me.  I feel alive again.  It's good to be back.

More and more, I am considering ditching my plans for finishing my degrees and going into biomedical ethics and law.  I just want to graduate with a BA/BS in near anything and try to find a job abroad.  Yes, I'm bloody sick of the states.  When I was single, I was planning for a while on moving to Prague to teach English as a friend of mine did.  That idea has resurfaced a bit and somehow, strange though it may seem, it has completely drowned out my previous aspirations of making six-figures a year by flexing my gray matter.

Or, perhaps I have just settled down too much.  How long has it been now since I woke up on my day off and randomly drove as far as I could for breakfast or lunch, taking in the sights, meeting new and very real friends for the first time somewhere along the way-never to see them again, with all the freedom, ideals and dreams of a modern Dean Moriarty, and all the adventures of a Tom-Sawyer-meets-Hunter-S.-Thompson?  Too long, I say.

Some of the best days of my life were spent driving to New Orleans for lunch and alligator taunting, to spur of the moment camping trips to the mountains in Oklahoma, to Mexican border towns, to Austin for barbeque and blues, to see friends in Houston, to do hallucinogens in the El Paso desert, to explore the unknown in the strange beast that is the deep south, to experiencing the entire southwest to northern California and back in a week flat...

Come to think of it, we live on a mighty continent, and I've only really really explored the southern half of our ridiculously large country...  Perhaps I need more time here after all.

Enough for tonight.

In closing, I have but one thing to say.  If you can't vote for a decent candidate Tuesday, then you have but one choice: REVOLT!
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[06 Feb 2007|09:42pm]
I'm too Texan for this... Lows with windchill up here have been around -20 to -30 the past couple days. I want to cry.

I haven't really updated much in a while... Life has been great. My wonderful girlfriend bought me a new camera for Christmas (a D80, no less!). My mom got me a bunch of pasta-making goodies which we finally broke in tonight and made some homemade goat cheese and spinach-stuffed ravioli. It was pretty good but would have been a hell of a lot better if we had gone to the store to buy ingredients. We didn't because it was too damned cold. In the cold, I have decided to learn how to paint and Sarah and I are learning how to play go (a Japanese board game).

We also adopted a new cat. Her name is LeMieux. She is completely insane.

Hope all of you are well. Much love...
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[12 Jan 2007|05:24pm]
Bush reminds me a lot of Pinochet...just a bit dumber.
And the Texan and Chilean flags are nearly identical.

Crazy.
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[10 Dec 2006|05:12pm]
Realization I:
Going to the ski hill and seeing spoiled little bitches in Ramones shirts who think they're uber-punk makes me want to kick people in the head.

Realization II:
It would really hurt to get kicked in the head by a snowboard boot.
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Philosophic A.D.D... [21 Oct 2006|07:29pm]
Reading three books concurrently:

Nausea, by Sartre. I don't understand why people read this book. I am told it is important. In fact, I see how it is, in fact, important in regard to the Existential movement. However, it is piss poor literature, especially when compared to many of Sartre's better-written books. I'll still finish it, though.

Being and Time by Heidegger. I have a history of losing interest and failing to finish beginning to read this book. This will not happen this time, damn it!

Beyond Good and Evil by Nietzsche.  This book has become my fall-back for those days when I have the attention span of a gnat.

It's a good mix. I've always gravitated more toward the classical philosophy. This is a nice change, save for the fact that knowing a good bit of Greek has always helped me to understand the classical works on a deeper level, while I know little or nothing of French or German.

I went for a ride.
My face is burning, stinging.
I need winter gear.
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[21 Oct 2006|02:55pm]
Sarah is in So Cal doing a 'go live' with her company's software at a hospital out there for the next four days. Thus, the only other warm body in the house is that of Godzilla, the fearless (HA!) cat, who is quite content doing nothing but watching our very round squirrels steal little bits of material from the rug that our landlord has left hanging from our deck since we moved here. They are slowly unravelling it, tearing it off bit by bit, and stuffing it into their surprisingly large mouths and carrying it back to their nest. They can have it. I hate that damn thing.

I should go out, but I don't want to ride my bike (because I'm bloody freezing) and I hate driving anywhere near the school or any of the hang-outs after a Badgers game because...well, that's when the morons seem to be at their purest. Testosterone and alcohol reaching critical mass..it's just ugly.

So, here I am...online. I should be reading a book.

How is everyone?
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A Haiku for Today... [21 Oct 2006|02:47pm]
Wisconsin is cold.
All my toes feel like ice cubes.
I miss the south now.
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[27 Jul 2006|03:20pm]
How embarassing.

I had S&M in my LJ interests for a very long time...that is, until right now. I wondered how wrong my profile had become through the years and decided to change some of the interests. Running through the list, I realized that when I wrote it I had S&M clumped with all of the other bicycle manufacturers (S&M is a sweet bike co.)...and when it became alphabetized, boom...suddenly it makes me sound kinky as hell. Damn.

I wonder how many people through the years have thought that I had a sex dungeon in my basement... ?
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Enantiodromia [20 Jul 2006|02:10pm]
Looking for jobs is killing me. I have looked everywhere for anything that would give me nights and weekends off (I can't whine too much with that kind of restriction on jobs that I'll take, I know). I haven't found much. I'm still trying, though.

What kills me is that I have the training, experience, and potential to land any audio engineering/concert/production job that I desire. I worked until I collapsed from exhaustion for months on end to establish myself in an industry that I grew to despise. I was so disillusioned. The world that I had idolized since childhood grew to mean nothing to me. Herekleitos wrote long ago that the way up and the way down are one and the same. As high as I had climbed, as fast as I had climbed, I then fell. Boy did it hurt. I put away my guitars, my basses, and my drums to collect dust. I went back to school and went to go work a normal teenage job just like everyone else I knew. For a while, it was good. I was nothing extraordinary. I was human--all too human. After a while, it wasn't so good anymore. I could feel myself stagnating in my surroundings. Not unlike Buster Friendly, I could feel the kipple creeping in, enveloping me, converging from all around me. I was suffocating, rotting, my potential slowly crumbling, falling away, turning to dust.

I had to get out. I needed some way to start over. I desperately needed something new. And, like a gift from the heavens, something new came. A new life and a new home, some place far away from my life in Texas, where I knew no one but the woman I love. I shouldn't have expected this to be easy. I was that girl who knew everyone, who had her foot in the door anywhere she wanted to be, who couldn't walk down the street without running into someone she knew. I'm a stranger here. And as charismatic as I can be when the opportunity is right, my charisma does nothing for me if I can't get my foot in the door.

I am filled with impatience and solitude. I need new friends. I need money. I need to get the hell out of this shell--how I got into it, I'm not sure--and grab my new little world by the horns before it kills me.

I cannot, however, seem to get past this overwhelming fear that I will again choose poorly in my vocations. That all my attempts in finding harmony will end in discord. That I will finally grow and accomplish all that I had planned and that it would end the same as before, in ruin. When I was young, I looked at the world as if it--and I--was made of infinite possibility. Now I see a narrow and treacherous path. Perhaps I just need to be patient.

Panta rhei...
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[10 Jul 2006|11:27pm]
Damn. What a shocker.

Day one of working for the Democratic Congressional Campaign Committee has made me realize that, on the whole, I think Republicans are a hell of a lot nicer than Democrats.

And wow...that job sucked.
Day one was an unpaid training day. Since I never officially started with them, I guess it's okay not to give two weeks notice.

Back to the drawing board...
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[26 Jun 2006|02:40pm]
Settling into our beautiful new home in Madison, WI...
I like it here.
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[19 Apr 2006|11:33am]
Life is crazy right now.
School is intense, work is intense, Sarah and i moved into an apartment without internet.
Probably going to be a strange for a little while, in case the past two months haven't been much of an indication...

Anyway...I'm alive.
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[26 Feb 2006|09:12am]
I had this bizarre dream the other day that my girlfriend was schizophrenic and I was a figment of her imagination. In the dream, I realized my own non-existence and it was a horrible blow.

Descartes, eat your heart out.

Damn that was a wierd dream.
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[19 Feb 2006|11:29am]
It seems I've slipped into absentia. My apologies.

Anatomy and Physiology is a bear of a class. It has stolen my life. It's pretty cool, I'm learning a hell of a lot about stuff I never even knew to wonder about. I think need an extra brain for this, though...mine is about at capacity.
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[10 Jan 2006|12:44pm]
Yay! Art class is done with, and I can now officially write inane babble as well as just about any freshman art major. I feel accomplished.

And I got a 95 in the class.

Beautiful.

And now for something completely different...what do we have in store for next semester? ...Biology, Psychology and Math.

Yeaaaaaaaah.
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[22 Dec 2005|11:50pm]
Have you ever just totally underestimated something?

I was like, "Oh, it's just art appreciation. I don't need to work very hard to nail the first critique."

Thankfully, the first critique is only worth 30 points out of 600.  I got a C on it. Awwww yeah. I think that's the first C I've gotten on anything in college. Weak. I totally deserved that, though.
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[21 Dec 2005|09:21pm]
What is it about the holidays that brings out the worst in people?

Customer # 1
Customer: "Where are your noodles like these?" (points to asian salad)
Me: "Right this way..."
Customer: (something mostly inaudible)
Me: "Sorry, come again?"
Customer: "EXCUSE me, I was talking to you. (swomething about me being rude)"
Me: "Yes, ma'am, I realize that. I didn't hear you. That's why I asked what you said."
(her cell phone rings)
Customer: (answers cell phone)
Me: "They're right here." (point and walk away)

Customer # 2
(My portable phone rings)
Me: "This is Hillary in Grocery, how can I help you?"
Customer: "Grocery?"
Me: "Yes, ma'am. How can I help you?"
Customer: "I asked for floral."
Me: "Floral?"
Customer: "FLOWERS. Are you all total idiots?! Why am I talking to someone in the grocery department?"
Me: "No, ma'am, we're not all idiots. I was just making sure I heard you right. Let me transfer you to the right department."
Customer: (annoyed) "Just make sure you do it right."
Me: "Of course..."
(transfer call)

Really. What the hell?
It's a few days before Christmas, so you have to be a total ass to everyone you see?

On a side note, Happy holidays, y'all.
Be nice, damn it!
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[15 Dec 2005|12:45pm]
My fall classes are over and done with.  I'll be taking art appreciation online over the winter break.  Despite it being a notorious blow-off class, I hope to actually learn something.  We'll see.  Other than that, I'm going to Chicagoduring Christmas to see Sarah's family and my buddy Mario who I haven't seen in years.

And, in totally unrelated news, I might be getting the assistant manager job at work, which is definitely cool. I need the pay. Wish me luck!

Ciao!
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[15 Dec 2005|12:15pm]
In the honor's institute:
"OH SWEET! I get to use a coloring book next semester!"
"Wow. Speaking of blow-off classes, I'm jealous. What the hell are you using a coloring book in?"
"Anatomy and Physiology I."
"Oh, Jesus. Nevermind."
"Bah. You know you're going to be jealous as hell when you're over there typing up another boring research paper and I'm at the table with my crayons!"
"So, wait, you took BIOL I, then, right?"
"Yup."
"Maybe you can help us, I don't really understand Meiosis and I have a final in a couple hours."
"Oh, okay, so, you unzip the male's genes, and then you unzip the female's genes, and then they come together and make babies!"
(laughter from everyone else in the room)
"Seriously, I have a final in two hours..."
"Awww...fine."

Finals week sure does drain the humor out of people quickly...
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[08 Dec 2005|09:21pm]
Hmm...with the proposition of living downtown (out of the 'rents house, again) for a month or two, I'm quickly realizing that I'm getting old and boring and just too damned tired to drift again/anymore.

I guess I'm more helping a buddy out than actually looking for a place to sleep this time. Found out yesterday that he's really good friends with one of my old really good friends and that they live next to each other. I must confirm that, but...strange. And aparently my old friend who's friends with my temporary roommate is friends with my psycho bitch ex, who was at a show he was playing, who ran into a different friend a week or two ago, and that's why I know any of that. Moral of the story: Holy shit, I need to go somewhere where I don't know anyone. :oP

I need to take a shower, clean my room, write a paper, read over a couple of Hamlet's soliloquies and study for a logic test.

I want to lie around in bed and snuggle with my girlfriend, who's four-and-a-half hours away right now.

I really can't complain too much, but...lame.
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